Sigh. Boo for heartache. Boo for hard. I've thought that too many times this month. And I sat down to tell you boo about my heartache and my hard. Because I can so relate with this girl, and this one, and countless others about what they are going through. And I know I do it too. Subconsciously I get sad. My heart knows that a year or two {or who knows how long}ago, it was broken. I was devastated that a part of myself disappeared without knowing why or without any way to make it better. I sat down to tell you about me losing my last little 8 celled wonder baby and my hopes of experiencing pregnancy ever again 2 years ago and how it still breaks my heart. Because it still does.
But guess what? I'm sitting here trying to think through my sad thoughts I try not to think. And guess what I'm thinking of? Of all of the happy things I have in my life. I'm thinking of the sunshine we have been lucky enough to enjoy this month. Of my other cute little test tube baby in the other room watching The Land Before Time because dinosaurs are one of her favorite things. Of my husband who puts up with every bit of me and loves me even when I'm off kelter because of my hard things. I'm listening to some good music, and I'm thankful for great friends. I'm thinking about how far I've come this past year. And I'm realizing that maybe my heart isn't quite as broken as it was last February. Or the February before that.
So I still say boo to heartache and hard. But today, I am happy. I can be happy for my knowledge that Families are Forever. I can be anxious and positive for my new adventure our family is taking. I can be happy with myself and the simple fact I'm happier. I can be ok with the fact that I won't feel that way every day. But I'm thankful for the gift of feeling that way today. On a day that breaks my heart.
Jenn, I loved it. I love the turn it took. As I started to cry today, I felt guilty. Like I shouldn't cry. It's been a year. I am happy and OK that I'm not pregnant. That we have just two children and not three. But sometimes we have to listen to our heart and feel the heartache but also feel the blessings as you have.
ReplyDeleteIt's a journey I cherish and while belonging to 'the club' isn't the best club to belong to, it sure does unite mothers with broken hearts and angels smiling down on us in heaven.
I love this post. I lost a baby at 6 weeks who would be two in July-- an unplanned baby who in those short few weeks I knew I was pregnant was able to turn my heart from sadness and shock to excitement and happiness and then to loss and sadness. I mourn that baby all the time and I look forward to the day I'll get to see him/her in Heaven. Who ever knew you could mourn someone you never even laid eyes on?! You expressed what we go through so very well and I thank you for opening my eyes to the fact that I'm certainly not by myself in this!
ReplyDeletepraise the Lord for this post. And for you.
ReplyDeleteBeautiful post Jenn. I am in awe of your courage. You are my sunshine today
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing Jenn. I hope I can clean up my face enough to go pick up Anna at Kindergarten. I really understand that pain. I think often of the three I lost and the one that we thought was there but never developed. Thanks for reminding me of all that I do have. I'm so excited you're my new VT.
ReplyDeleteYour words bring so many feelings to my heart right now, Jenn. The simple fact that I know somewhat of the sadness you've experienced brings tears to my eyes as I read this post. It took 4 years to get our sweet little Eva. I still don't know why she came when she did, other than it was finally the right time. But those years...they were...hard. There's no other way to describe it.
ReplyDeleteAnd then as I read, other feelings crept into my heart. Joy and gratitude, despite the hard in our lives. You are such an example to me. Thank you, thank you.
I heart you so!
ReplyDeleteSeriously, thank you so much for sharing. While I can't relate in the same exact way, I definitely think we can all relate to heartache and sad. I say "Boo!!!" too. I love how you have managed to keep your chin up and find the blessings and happiness despite the trials. You are such a wonderful example to me. You have no idea how much! :)
i'm sad for your sad days jenn. it's a difficult thing to experience some of life's greatest trials in a club where so many can't fully appreciate it's depths. BUT, i know that in another year so much of that sadness won't have near as much room to live in your heart and that is a wonderful thing! i think it's very fitting that you made reference to land before time(one of my all-time favorite movies:)
ReplyDelete"don't lose your way with each passing day, you've come so far, don't throw it away. live believing, dreams are for weaving,Wonders are waiting to start. live your story, faith, hope
and glory, hold to the truth in your heart..." :)
i'm here for you.
Hey sweet girl, you have every right to have sad days. They are good for just a few reasons. It does make you realize how blessed you are (at least for me) and they keep pushing you forward somehow. It's good to stop and think and remember what could have been. I still remember very vividly our first miscarriage and then our 2nd and then our 3rd. It never gets easier and it never seems fair.
ReplyDeleteYou are awesome because being sad some days doesn't stop you from being amazing on every other. Even when you are sad, I'd bet you are still doing amazing things at home.
Plus, having a good cry now and then really does make you feel better.
Love you.
I love you Jenn. You always make me smile when I think of you. Especially our favorite saying from college "I just really love you right now" b/c honestly, I just really love you right now.
ReplyDeleteYou are a strong woman and I appreciate your honesty and your willingness to share your story.
Whenever I hear of women who have faced trials such as these, I just am always amazed at the strength and determination and power that our Heavenly Father has given to women. We can face heartache and despair and still have the desire to find good in our lives and look to the future. My sister-in-law had a devasting miscarriage last July and it was just heartbreaking for our whole family. My heart goes out to you.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your strength. It really puts my own "challenges" into perspective. How very grateful I am for the knowledge that families are forever! :) I'm glad you know that as well, it helps the hurt.
ReplyDeleteHa Aubrielle~ You read one of my BFF's blogs! We were roomies in College. She is awesome!
ReplyDeleteJenn I am a bit behind but hope you don't mind me commenting now. Boo for heartache is right. :(
ReplyDeleteBefore I had my first I lost a set of twins. It was reaaallllly hard. I went through a range of emotions, as I have with other trials since. Sometimes it just stinks. And sometimes it makes me grateful. Usually a bit of both. I appreciate your positive outlook and want to be more like you!
xo
::hugs::
ReplyDeletethanks again for this last weekend. you guys are wonderful...especially for putting up with that game so late at night. :)
have a wonderful weekend, my lovely. btw, like i told your husband, if you guys ever need a sitter we are your people! :)
and p.s.
ReplyDeleteif you just need a listening ear or a spare shoulder, i'm also your girl for that too. :)
remember the rough days are given to us so we appreciate how truly great the better days are. just like you pointed out, gratitude shines some of the heartache away. eases it just enough to bare what we must.
i'm here when you need me.
i know this comment is a little late, but i just stumbled onto your blog.
ReplyDeletei really needed this. i've been feeling lost the last few weeks, and in the last 24 hours, i've found 3 blogs who've shared their sadness and anger about their loss.
i never expected to be a card-carrying member of this club, but getting to read words like these makes it a little easier. {a little}
excited to be your newest follower.
i read this the day that you posted & have been thinking about it ever since. i'm already crying so just quickly i will say....
ReplyDeletei too know this particular kind of loss, so i feel so deeply for you. i also know the blessings of your new adventure & how a forever family fits in there. i love you jenn. you deserve everything beautiful, & wonderful, & exciting; everything that He holds in store for the most special ones.