Oh friends. Its my least favorite day of the year, and its coming up quickly. Traditionally I spend the day trying to think of ways to get out of going to church, end up going to church but spend a big majority of the time in the bathroom blowing my nose and cursing my face that gets tragically blotchy from crying, and the rest of the time fielding the looks of people who feel sorry for me and my tragically blotchy face. I bolt for the door and then spend the rest of the day trying not to be {too} terribly depressing to be around.
What? Isn't that what you do on Mothers Day?
oh.
lucky.
Yesterday in church someone spoke about a personal audit. Oh man. That is what has been going on in my head and heart lately. I've been asked to share my feelings about mothers day. On mothers day. In church. oi. A year ago I would have flat at said no. But something tells me I couldn't say no if I wanted to. Sincerely, I wish I could say no. The thought of hundreds of people watching me cry and share my thoughts on infertility and mothers day makes me want to throw up. But my Heavenly Father has given me an opportunity to help someone else even though I have no idea who that someone else is.
So while I need to keep focusing on that I've asked some sweet friends to stop by and say Hi to you this week. And we'll talk soon.
HUGS...
you're so brave friend. God's not going to let you stand up there all by yourself. He'll be there.
ReplyDeleteholding your hand.
xoxo!!
Mother's Day has never been one of my favorite's either. Mostly because it gets hyped up so much and I always hear about all of these great things that other people's husbands and kids do for their moms and for some reason, it just always ends up being a really stressful and emotional day for me. You are such a great example Jenn, I hope you know that. And I hope this Mother's Day you can feel your burden is being shared (and maybe even lightened a bit) by all of those that care about you. :)
ReplyDeleteI can't think of a better person to speak to us on Sunday and for that, I am grateful. You will be amazing because you are amazing. I will be there cheering you on and applauding your courage.
ReplyDeleteI heart you.
I just think you are fantastic and amazing. I heart you so!
ReplyDeleteMother's Day has always been hard for me as well. In fact, did we run in to each other last year with the same tell-tell signs of splotchy faces and hiding in the hall?!
I can't wait to hear you speak on Sunday. You have so much to share and just know how much we all love you!
You can do it!!!
ReplyDeleteI am so proud of you for speaking! That is tough. Last year I made it into the parking lot with my brave face of indifference on and burst into tears when I saw the earlier ward leaving with all the mom's holding a potted geranium. I couldn't bare going in to yet again experience the tragic and awkward feeling of "those are only for mothers, and I don't really qualify". This year I have Isla and I thought perhaps it would be better. In many ways it is because I am so, so grateful for her, but those feelings of inadequacy and worry for the future children I am pining for are sure hard to overcome. Thanks for sharing Jenn, it is nice to know I am not alone in my Mother's Day anguish. ;-) And you are right, you never know who might be touched by your experience. Love you!
ReplyDeleteWe'll all be cheering you on, Jenn! I am sure there are more people than you know who will be touched by what only you can share.
ReplyDeleteI am so with you. Sending love from someone else who's been there. Mother's Day seems to be the day I am always asked to speak too. Deep breath. I keep telling myself that Heavenly Father's plan for me is so much better than my plan for me, even if I don't know what it is yet. Big hugs from far away.
ReplyDeletejenn....i used my get-out-of-church-free card this last weekend since i've been sick. too bad i couldn't save it for this NEXT Sunday. for some reason this year's been harder for me than all the others. if it were me, i don't think i could do it this go'round. you're my hero for stepping up to the plate. if it isn't too much to ask, after you've had a chance to share your thoughts through your talk at church, would you please share it here? i've got a feeling i need to hear you. especially this year. ::hugs::
ReplyDeleteYou go girl! Seriously, rock star status going on. The courage to say yes to a talk on that day? Yep! I have no doubt you'll be amazing!!
ReplyDeletei had SO many mother's days like yours. YEARS worth. it was always really tragic and depressing. i don't know why you struggle with infertility, or why i did either, but as annoyingly hard and true it is, we have to keep the faith. for us, we struggled for 5 years. it seemed like an eternity. amazingly for us, one of our treatments worked and we now have twin baby girls. i'm not going to tell you, "oh i know how it feels, but look at my story! mine's a success so yours will be too!" because i know that's the last thing us infertile sisters want to hear.
ReplyDeletei had a sweet, good friend that got pregnant. unbeknownst to be, she was pregnant when i told her the dirty details of one of my failed IUI cycles. when i found out she was pregnant...and did the math finding out she knew she was knocked up when i told her that story, i felt incredibly betrayed and jealous. i made up an excuse not to go to her baby shower. i was so bitter. they weren't even trying! and boom, a baby girl on the way. i thought life couldn't be more unfair. and then it happened. her little baby girl's heart stopped beating when she was 38 weeks pregnant. she had to deliver a dead baby on christmas eve. when i got the call i couldn't stop crying. here i was, sad, bitter and hurt that she got pregnant, and she had to go through something SO incredibly unfair and gruesome.
i couldn't feel worse about myself.
i was her #1 friend after that. i called, texted, brought stuff over, tried to help her in any way i could. part of it was out of guilt, part of it sorrow, and part of it charity.
only then did i look at motherhood differently. i prayed more, but i didn't pray for me to get pregnant like i had for years, i prayed for her. i repented for my selfish feelings and pleaded for my friend. only then did i feel the inspiration to talk to my husband about a different fertility treatment, one that would be a LOT more emotionally difficult for him. we did it and got our girls. i was scared i was going to lose them the entire pregnancy because of what happened to my dear friend. luckily my girls were perfectly healthy and that same friend got pregnant again soon after and now also has a little girl after suffering a miscarriage soon after losing her first baby.
i don't really know why i am telling you this {and leaving SUCH a long comment, sorry!!}, but i feel like i should. i just came to your blog today from joy's hope and don't know your story, but i really hope your infertility journey is a short one because i know how incredibly painful it is. i hope your mother's day is filled with peace and hope. :)
erin
ehearte.blogspot.com
praying for you-sending you big hugs.
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