Having a doctor tell you that there is a zero percent chance of getting pregnant on your own is devastating. And devastated is what I have been for so long. After surgeries and crazy menopausal drugs and knowing that in the end it didn't matter we decided to try in vitro. We were so blessed to have it work our first try. But after the next two rounds failed I was still a girl who couldn't have kids.
Last Mothers Day was that lowest moment when not even having Ivy made me happy. I remember being at the park about a month after Mother's Day and watching a mom with 3 little boys probably under three. I watched her and I got mad. When she put Coke in her little boys bottle I was angry. Why could this mom who wasn't doing a good job get to have kids and I didn't? Didn't I deserve it more than she did? I was a way better mom than that. It wasn't fair.
Right after that I had a big long talk with my Grandma at a Family reunion. After talking about how life isn't perfect and that life is hard she told me... If we were all to hang our troubles out on the line, you would pick yours and I would pick mine. And that was from the lady that was on the fifth month of her 6 months left to live, dying from cancer. She sat there and told me that she didn't know how I did it. As I sat there wondering how she did it.
Source: sharesomecandy.com via Jennifer on Pinterest
Some time after that I started making a conscious effort to be happy. I decided to be thankful and grateful for the things I did have. I remembered to be thankful for my sweet baby Ivy. It can take effort sometimes to be happy. I'll even fake it until I make it a lot but I've also learned that it is ok to be sad AND to be happy. It doesn't have to be one or the other.
At christmas time someone bore their testimony and I loved what he said.
God can't prevent the storms in our lives. But He does provide peace in the midst of them.
I finally realized after all those years of praying for things to be different, for God to help our family grow and to just make it so I could have kids that I had been praying for the wrong thing. I started praying for peace. Peace for my heart to accept the circumstances I had been given. I also started praying more for others and wishing peace for so many others struggling with hard things. And as I opened my heart to others and tried to lift people up instead of worrying about my own trials, my burden became so much lighter.
Source: letlifehappentoyoutoday.blogspot.com via Jennifer on Pinterest
I kept coming back to this quote in my head by Joseph Campbell. I don't think there are many girls that imagine growing up and not being able to have children. And I think that is why Mothers' Day was so hard for me last year. I was hanging on to that life I imagined. The one that wasn't there. I wasn't moving forward or accepting the one I had. But I decided at the beginning of the year that I was going to Be. I chose to BE but that means I have to DO. I have to move forward and enjoy and trust in the life that is waiting for me.
As I thought about what I was going to say in church on Sunday, I remembered what my sweet Grandma had said about the laundry line. I realize I have learned another lesson from that little quote. And I think now I fully understood how much I have grown in one year. I know that I would gladly take my trials down off the line so that lady at the park, or anyone else wouldn't have to face the same heartache.
Mothers Day is hard for so many reasons to so many different people. But I've learned over this past year that if we serve others, that if we let God really be a part of our lives and if we choose to be happy that eventually we will be.
+++Thank you, thank you sweet friends for all of your kind words, thoughts, prayers and support this past week. I cried my way through the whole thing and I'm really glad its over. I didn't say everything I wanted, so I decided to share what I tried to say here as well. I really wanted to get up and talk about how terrible my life was. But I found that what I really wanted to share is that I'm happy. I've grown so much this past year and I'm excited to see where this next year will take me.
Happy Mothers Day.
I like it when I can start my week off with a good cry. Thank you for sharing. You have no idea how much I needed to hear/read thatReplyDelete
Such a good job Jenn! I think we all have to "fake it till we make it" with whatever our challenge is in our lives. I know I do! Thanks for sharing that you are choosing to be happy and see the good around you. I'm trying harder to do that myself and it really does make life better, not just for ourselves but also for everyone else around us. I love the advice your grandma gave you, I will make a mental note to remember that in the future.ReplyDelete
What a beautiful heartfelt post! Thanks for sharing it. Looking forward to reading more.ReplyDelete
I go in next week to find out if I can't have kids. Thank you for this. It was so inspiring and comforting. You will be in my prayers. : )ReplyDelete
this is such a beautiful, heartfelt post...I am sure you did an awesome job speaking in church and I pray you touched even one person with your message.ReplyDelete
I found your blog through Joy's Hope and wanted to say I appreciate this post. Though our stories are not the same, I can relate to what you are saying. Our firstborn was born still and our miracle baby was born at 30 weeks. After her birth and because of the illness that caused both pregnancies to develop like they did (preeclampsia/eclampsia, HELLP) we were told it would be wise for me not to get pregnant again. I can't say I understand why this is how things are, but I trust He has a hand in it. All that to say, I get it. You are a brave woman to be able to stand in front of others and share your story.ReplyDelete
I'm so glad I had the opportunity to be there when you gave your talk and hear it in person. It was truly inspiring, uplifting, and spoke to my heart in so many ways---more than you know. I loved the quote from your grandma and LOVED that quote by Joseph Campbell. I think we all can relate in some way with that quote because trials ARE hard. It's how we choose to deal with them. You have managed to deal with your trials bravery, courage, and class. You are truly an example to me and I'm so glad to be in your life! Thanks for being you! Love ya lots!ReplyDelete
What a wonderful expression of you. I am in awe as I watch you on this journey. You said your assignment was to be honest...and I find your post to be just that..truly Jenn.
Thank you for your words and for the grace with which you live your life.
love you so much!
I love you Jenn, I really, truely do:) honestly, I really did hear so much of what you wanted said, said. I'm glad we locked eyes for a smile too. And I'm so excited for your journey towards more future joy and happiness. You accomplished something very difficult (for many reasons) by standing up and sharing what you did and it was a Pretty sweet thing to see.ReplyDelete
Your words were perfection yesterday because they were completely and authentically YOU. I'm so impressed by your bravery and your willingness to share what you've learned though all of this. You are remarkable in every way and I'm so grateful to know you. Love you, sweet friend.ReplyDelete
i love you and i am SO proud of you.ReplyDelete
"it's OK to be sad AND to be happy"ReplyDelete
sort of needed the permission to feel both today.
your heart is huge.
I just found your blog today & I admire you so much...thank you for sharing your heart & for your honesty.ReplyDelete
I know Mother's Day can be so hard for so many women....when we were trying for kids & having miscarriages, going to church on Mothers Day was excruciating.
I have a friend who is going through the same thing you are and I am going to forward her this blog post...I know she needs to read it.
Looking forward to reading more of your blog!
Thanks for posting Jenn. I love where you said you have to choose and put an effort to be happy. I know it is hard when you go through a trial that won't go away and it is something that you are constantly reminded of everyday. I love your words and things you have shared. You are a great Mom and Ivy is lucky to have you. I love that we can be happy and sad at the same time. I know the Lord has a plan for all of us, and the reward will truly be great. I wish I could of heard your talk but I have no doubt that you touched many with your words.ReplyDelete
jenn, you really are amazing. i have thought about you all week. wish we could meet to go on a walk and talk. miss you, love you.ReplyDelete
Jenn you are beautifully amazing! Thank-you for your wonderful words. I wish I could have heard your talk yesterday.ReplyDelete
such beautiful thoughts :) you're an inspiration!ReplyDelete
Is it wrong that I kind of wanted to sneak out of our RS lesson so that I could come and listen to your talk? Probably ;)ReplyDelete
Your words are so beautiful and so heartfelt. I think it helps so much to know that we are not alone in our struggles in life. You are so incredibly brave and are such an example to me, Jenn!
I think this post is one of my all time Ruffled Sunshine favorites. Thank you so much for sharing a piece of your heart.
Doesn't God send just what we need at the right time? I'm going through our third InVitro now and like you our first one worked but the second did not. This one isn't going as planned and I've been having one smash of a pity party for myself; especially on Sunday. Thanks for your post.ReplyDelete
I'm so glad for your post. Your talk was amazing. You are amazing. I love the quote by Joseph Campbell so much. Thanks for sharing all of it.ReplyDelete
You really did do a wonderful job on Sunday. I really admire you for saying yes and facing such a talk on such a day. I believe it was inspired to ask you this year, but serious courage on your part for accepting! I've said it before, but you're amazing!!ReplyDelete
I just stumbled over your blog today and had to write a short comment. Your blog deeply touched my heart. I do know what you are going through and I also don't: I was lucky enough to be able to get pregnant. However, I my sister can't and I talked a lot with her about this. She and her husband one day decided that they will stop trying to get pregnant and running from one doctor to the other. Instead they decided to try adoption. This was three years ago. They got a cute little baby boy half a year later and just one month ago they got a little baby sister for him. For all of us it doesn't make a difference that they are not there biological children. We all love them and could not love them more if they were connected "genetically" to us. I know that adoption isn't a possibility for everybody and that some people just can't imagine to adopt a child. But maybe this is also a possibility for you. Then I deeply encourage you to go for it: You don't love a child just because you birthed it, the love grows with every minute that you are together!ReplyDelete