Having a doctor tell you that there is a zero percent chance of getting pregnant on your own is devastating. And devastated is what I have been for so long. After surgeries and crazy menopausal drugs and knowing that in the end it didn't matter we decided to try in vitro. We were so blessed to have it work our first try. But after the next two rounds failed I was still a girl who couldn't have kids.
Last Mothers Day was that lowest moment when not even having Ivy made me happy. I remember being at the park about a month after Mother's Day and watching a mom with 3 little boys probably under three. I watched her and I got mad. When she put Coke in her little boys bottle I was angry. Why could this mom who wasn't doing a good job get to have kids and I didn't? Didn't I deserve it more than she did? I was a way better mom than that. It wasn't fair.
Right after that I had a big long talk with my Grandma at a Family reunion. After talking about how life isn't perfect and that life is hard she told me... If we were all to hang our troubles out on the line, you would pick yours and I would pick mine. And that was from the lady that was on the fifth month of her 6 months left to live, dying from cancer. She sat there and told me that she didn't know how I did it. As I sat there wondering how she did it.
Some time after that I started making a conscious effort to be happy. I decided to be thankful and grateful for the things I did have. I remembered to be thankful for my sweet baby Ivy. It can take effort sometimes to be happy. I'll even fake it until I make it a lot but I've also learned that it is ok to be sad AND to be happy. It doesn't have to be one or the other.
At christmas time someone bore their testimony and I loved what he said.
God can't prevent the storms in our lives. But He does provide peace in the midst of them.
I finally realized after all those years of praying for things to be different, for God to help our family grow and to just make it so I could have kids that I had been praying for the wrong thing. I started praying for peace. Peace for my heart to accept the circumstances I had been given. I also started praying more for others and wishing peace for so many others struggling with hard things. And as I opened my heart to others and tried to lift people up instead of worrying about my own trials, my burden became so much lighter.
I kept coming back to this quote in my head by Joseph Campbell. I don't think there are many girls that imagine growing up and not being able to have children. And I think that is why Mothers' Day was so hard for me last year. I was hanging on to that life I imagined. The one that wasn't there. I wasn't moving forward or accepting the one I had. But I decided at the beginning of the year that I was going to Be. I chose to BE but that means I have to DO. I have to move forward and enjoy and trust in the life that is waiting for me.
As I thought about what I was going to say in church on Sunday, I remembered what my sweet Grandma had said about the laundry line. I realize I have learned another lesson from that little quote. And I think now I fully understood how much I have grown in one year. I know that I would gladly take my trials down off the line so that lady at the park, or anyone else wouldn't have to face the same heartache.
Mothers Day is hard for so many reasons to so many different people. But I've learned over this past year that if we serve others, that if we let God really be a part of our lives and if we choose to be happy that eventually we will be.
+++Thank you, thank you sweet friends for all of your kind words, thoughts, prayers and support this past week. I cried my way through the whole thing and I'm really glad its over. I didn't say everything I wanted, so I decided to share what I tried to say here as well. I really wanted to get up and talk about how terrible my life was. But I found that what I really wanted to share is that I'm happy. I've grown so much this past year and I'm excited to see where this next year will take me.
Happy Mothers Day.