Baby brother is almost here. Its getting real. He has a space of his own waiting. The space is in my heart and in our arms and in the guest room/baby room.
I feel flighty and unsure of where to start on my suddenly urgent to do list. But I know they are just things to do. So I think about him instead. I think about how calm he is going to make me. Which sounds funny to say about a baby and all that comes with one. But its true.
I think about us. The different versions of us. We have been three for so long. But we were just the two of us even longer than we have been three. And already it feels like there has always been four. The four of us. I like it.
I think about her. And my heart hurts. I know her heart is going to hurt too. She is strong and brave and kind and loving. She will be ok. I just hope she knows how much we love her. And can 't even begin to let her know how much she is a part of us. Part of our happiness. Part of our story. Part of him.
There are so many things to do. But the quiet moments in my thoughts are what are getting me ready.
Wow. This year took off like a shot didn't it?! Is it really the end of January already? Has it really been a whole month since Christmas! I didn't mean to leave you hanging after our exciting news {which you should check out by the way.} Oh what you missed it the first time? Here you go... its only three minutes.
I know its just so fun to watch isn't it? I don't blame you for watching it again. Ivy is a natural.
Well with all that going on we are just waiting. Busy, but waiting. SO I thought I'd fill you in with all the fun details.
But first lets clear the air. No I 'm not pregnant. Haha. That was a common misconception and in hindsight I suppose we should have not used ultrasound pictures. But he is too cute not to share! Ok now that thats out of the way here's the story of our best Christmas present ever.
On the second monday in December I got a text from Darin to call him. So I did. Uhhh let me just tell you that the words out of his mouth were not what I was expecting at all. He told me a birth mom had picked us and our profile had been taken down. Hubba Whaaa??!! Well I instantly started crying and Darin's voice was all shaky which is boy for crying. He only knew a little bit of information like the fact that our birthmom was having a boy, she was due in April and we would get to talk to her on Wednesday. I was shaking. My whole body was shaking. And when I told Ivy. Oh I wish I had it on video but it was the best every. She started jumping up and down on the bed. And since I was on the phone she started screaming, I'm getting a baby brother!!!! I'm getting a baby brother!!!! Into the pillow. I died. We quickly decided to only let our parents know until we talked to her, cuz really how can you not tell someone that kind of news!?
I made this on my phone that night. The very first feeling that washed over me when Darin told me the news was just this immense love. I swear it was pouring right down from heaven and in to my heart. You know how a little kid stands at the edge of the moving walkway, stuck and scared to get on? That was me. For way too long. And in that moment it all changed and I was moving forward again.
I posted this picture that we took at 12:12 on 12.12.12. Did you know that was the last repetitive date we will ever have? And it was a moment I can't ever forget. What were we doing? Oh, just talking to our birthmom. Nervously making small talk at first, and hanging up the the phone an hour later, knowing that she was meant for us and we were meant for her. She thinks we are cool. We think she is amazing. Do you know what she said? That she was just so glad she could give us such an awesome Christmas present. I love her. Forever. She also said some fun things like how she liked that Darin looked like Keith Urban. That might have been my favorite part.
After that we decided since it was so close to Christmas that we would make it our Christmas present to let everyone know the news. The following Sunday we made our little video. Then we packaged up the discs and mailed them out. And waited. It was SO hard for some of us to keep a secret. I was fine. The other two not so much. But we made it and we had the best Christmas!
And new year.
And now we wait for April. Ivy has a countdown chain in her room. Darin signed up for those babycenter emails that tell you your baby is the size of an english cucumber or other various vegetables.
Baby brother is always on her mind. Multiple times during the day she will say things like I can't wait to teach baby brother....
and we are going to have to do this with baby brother...
and can we play birthmom? Can we watch birthing videos?
Always on her mind. Always on our minds.
+++
So thats the deets. I can't tell you how much we appreciated all of your kind comments and emails. THANK YOU!!
Happy Christmas everyone! Its been a magical day here. It is even snowing! We made a video for our Christmas card this year that I hope you will watch. I hope your day is a blessed one. Thank you for being a part of our lives.
Three years ago as I watched Ivy open Christmas presents I got tears in my eyes. I just looked at Darin and said she needs brothers and sisters to share this with. Over three years I have started and stopped and wished and faltered. Seasons and years have gone by and it came down to me staring at the computer screen crying because I don't know what to say. Too many emotions to put in to telling someone PICK US. Pick us. Please. And then Darin says let me have a turn. And its done. In ten minutes. How do boys do that?
It has taken us almost three years to finally finish. Thank you to every single person that has prayed, and pushed and cheered us on to get it done. Our adoption profile is now online to view. If you or someone you know is looking to place their baby for adoption, maybe think of us. We are so grateful to you.
I can hardly believe that a year + has gone by in my life. The extra months since Mothers Day have flown by filled with the business of summer. I haven't sat down at a computer for more than 2 minutes in those months. But here I am being the working girl for the weekend and staring at the screen trying to remember my feelings and thoughts from that day. I know there were specific things I wanted to say. I wanted to tell you how I was okay with Mothers Day this year. And that I finally feel okay with the fact that I am not going to be pregnant ever again. Somewhere in the blur of the last year I became okay.
I know there is so much more to say. But I still can't get myself to write it all down. This peace in my heart is really so new to me that I don't know how I feel about it, how to share it with you yet. And maybe that is why I have let the months go by without telling you. Because I still don't know how.
So for now I'm going to oversimplify it. I want you to know...
Infertility is hard. So hard. The years and years of hard kind of hard. And if you are going through any kind of it I'm sorry. I know its hard to believe someone when they tell you its going to be okay.
So can you trust someone that has been there? Someone that knows a little bit of how you feel? Cuz I do. And its going to be okay.
I tend to get a little bit of wanderlust in February and March. The cold wind and gray days get to me I guess. I've got it BAD right now. I'm this close to selling just about everything we own and moving to some tropical island. Doesn't that sound wonderful?
It seems wonderful because I feel like if I did it, the hard things about my life would just go away. Being on a beach all day I can handle. The real life stuff, I'm not so good at handling sometimes.
I eventually talked myself out of putting all of my furniture on Craigslist this morning with things like...
Ivy is starting kindergarten in the fall, and I would miss my family and friends, and there is a little baby here that needs me. The time is coming soon for our family to get bigger and if I was on a tropical island I would miss it.
And then I made a full recovery and realize that it's going to be ok. That sometimes, yeah life is hard but what I need is more faith, not white sandy beaches.
So, I'll keep my stuff.
I'll work on having more faith.
I don't want to miss my adventure because I was too busy hoping for a different one.
We finally tracked down a video that we haven't seen in probably four years, lost after moving. Lost forever we though when we switched to a Mac last summer. Four years and I still cry when I watch it.
4 1/2 years have passed from this day and I still can't even believe I was so lucky to be able to actually experience it, just once.
4 1/2 years isn't even how long I begged my Heavenly Father to have those moments. Maybe when Ivy has been here longer than I wished for her to be here I won't cry.
I'm thankful for tender mercies . Right now they are those tiny fleeting moments when I know so clearly which way my path needs to go. Those moments when I truly feel its ok to leave the path I want my life to be on and go the way He wants me to.
I really want to share a little bit more about how I'm feeling friends but I'm afraid its going to have to wait for another day. We are out of tissues ;)
+++
On two totally unrelated notes... tomorrow I'm kicking of I'm Thankful Week. I had lots of requests to have it come back and I'm excited to share from so many others about what they are thankful for. And its kind of turned in to I'm Thankful for two weeks with just a spot or two left. If you want to share what you are so thankful for will you let me know? I'd love to hear it.
Also I've added a new thing here or there to my shop {all to help us raise money for adoption} so you can go check it out and keep checking cuz more will be trickling in over the next couple weeks. Thanks so much!
